Telemarketers

Ah telemarketers. The joy of our world. WHO DOESN'T HATE THEM? I mean, come on, we are NOT going to buy your products no matter what. Even if we say "no, thank you", They will rant on, irrelevantly, about why their product is better than the ones you have, even if yours was doctor subscribed. So if you hate telemarketers as much as me, remember this post. 'Cause soon, any telemarketers that calls you will hang up within 10 minutes.

Doing these things to a telemarketer is like a practical joke or a prank, but even funner. Because you know that these telemarketers sits in a cubicle and reads scripts ALL DAY, you know if you irritate them, their mood would be WAY off for their next call. And it would depress them. Now it just sounds mean. ._.

There are three part to this, one is the sureproof way but is really boring (not really). Another is a comprehensive walkthrough of 5 different ways. The last one is really just 50 short techniques you can use on them. So here we go.

PART 1.
Just say yes. Whatever they say, even if it's not a yes or no question, say yes. Don't say yes until he asks you a question. So 1 question, 1 yes. It's like the "And Then" video from youtube, from the "Dude, where's my car" movie. It will drive them crazy and they will hang up, trying to sound polite. But in your heart you know, they just want to rip your brains out.

PART 2.
5 Different techniques, very comprehensive. Originally from netfunny.

1. If you recognize they are telemarketers before you have spoken,
pretend your are an answering machine with a message along these
lines. "Thank you for calling CMTCC, Citizens for Making Telemarketing
a Capital Crime. We now have the support of about 25% of the
legislature.  Soon we will be able to execute those worthless,
money grubbing dregs, making the earth a better place to live.  Please
send your tax deductible contribution to ...."

2. See how many times you can put them on hold.  First make sure you get
the name of the person you are talking to, because sooner or later
they will hang up.  Then if they call you again, you can express
your righteous indignation at being hung up on, and let them know
you were going to buy/contribute, but given the rudeness of ....
you have decided not to.  They key to this one is make the time they
have to hold fairly short.  After 30 seconds or so tell them
you have to turn down the stove and put them on hold for 45 secs.
On returning, ask them to start their pitch again.  Every time you
return have them restart their pitch.  Some good excuses for putting them on
hold for a short while:  the kids are fighting,
the pet needs to go in/out, the baby is into ?,  someone is at the
door,  you have a call on another line, ...

3. If you have an answering machine, turn it on so they can here you
are recording the call.  Make sure you get the person's name, and
the company's name and address.  Then inform them something like
this.  "Under state law I am hereby notifying you that you
(you as an individual and the company) are prohibited from calling
this number (xxx-xxxx) to solicit ever again.  If you or the company
calls again, you personally and the company will be liable for
penalties up to $10,000.  Is this clear?"  Just something to
hopefully make them nervous.  (Actually Virginia came pretty close
to passing a law like this.  Unfortunately, the telemarketing
lobby bribed our legislature into killing the bill.  Maybe next
year ...)

4. After they have gone through their entire sales pitch, tell them
how interested you are.  But first, you want to talk to them
about ....  Then launch into a pitch for them to contribute to
some charity  that sounds quasi-legit but is really just for
your personnel benefit.  If they do not contribute, then hang up
in righteous indignation that they are such uncaring human beings.
If they will, give then a address to send the contribution to,
thank them, and hang up before they have a chance to change the
subject back to what they called you about.

5. After they have given their entire sales pitch, say you are
interested but first you need the telemarketer's personnel
home phone number.  When they ask why tell them that they
have your personel home number so before you complete the
deal, you want to be on even ground with them and you need
their number.  If they don't give it to you, yup, you guessed it,
hangup in righteous indignation.  If they do, say you will call
back to order/contribute.  Then do so at some reasonable hour, in
case they have given you a phony number.  But if it is a correct
number, post it on the net.
Not so anyone would harrass this person,  ;)
but so all of us would have the opportunity to contact this person
about whatever it is that is being telemarketed.  And since
so many of us are night owls, we will be calling at a time convenient
to us, like 4 am. ;)


PART 3

A group of different techniques. 50 of them. Really fun to use. Originally from Justsickjokes.

Talk really fast.

Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can’t hear them over the static.

Make up your own language. Speak it.

Hang up.

Make up a one word language. Speak it.

Say, “This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?”

If they say “Yes” to number 6 say, “Please state the nature of the emergency.” Then insist that their emergency isn’t an emergency. Hang up.

If they say “No” to number 6 say, “I’m sorry but this line is for emergencies only.” Hang up.

Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.

Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.

Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.

Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.

Dial the phone and say, “Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I’m gonna come over there and hurt you! “

Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn’t ringing.

Claim to be the mafia.

Say, “Moe’s tavern Moe speaking.”

Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.

Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.

Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.

Say, “Oh no! It’s the Feds! They’re on to us!”

Claim to be the FBI. Say, “This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?”

Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, “Damn unreliable *69.”

Speak a foreign language.

If you do # 24 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.

Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you “realize” that you are not speaking to your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, “Pervert!” Slam the phone down to hang up.

Say, “Help! I’m being robbed! He’s got a gun!”

Communicate only through Morse code.

Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.

Try to sell the telemarketer something.

Act drunk.

Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electrocuted.

Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.

If he/she says “No” to #36 insist that he/she buy yours.

If he/she says “Yes” to #36 ask if he/she will take a strange currency.

Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, “They’ll never catch me again,” “No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!” After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won’t buy because you couldn’t see him/her dance.

Make him/her sing to get a sale.

If a male sings for #41, claim that he sounds like Brittany Spears.

If a female sings for #41, claim that she sounds like Barry White.

Pretend to be really interested. Then say, “No.”

Engage him/her in an “intellectual” conversation on an extremely boring subject.

Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

Say, “I told you. I don’t know where your dog is!” Then hang up.

Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.

After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.

Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you’ll get back to them.

If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.

Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.

Say, “Yes” immediately to whatever they are selling and hang up immediately afterwards.