Ouch
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said 'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and sad all at the same time.' She replied, 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.
Asprin
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, ''I have a headache.'' 'Perfect,' her husband said..' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
Starter Pistol
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, 'Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself.' So he went out and bought a starter pistol. Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, 'Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up.'